On asking how can we both win: a f**k the cultural narrative story

I had a clear story of what falling in love was gonna feel like: every system of knowing would just know - I’d intellectually feel totally met / my body would given pleasure in a way it knows to map to / my emotional center would feel grounded / my spiritual self would be singing the loudest

yes yes yes

I’m nearly 3 months into a thing – and the above has not been the experience.

Its definitely not a ’no’. Every day, I tune into a, ‘I want to be with this person’. I chose it daily.

AND

Holy wow there’s challenges.

So many and of such abundant varietals — that I’ve not really known how to (publicly) communicate bout ‘em.

And fun stuff - this isn’t what that post is about.

Its not about the intensity or messiness of falling in love.

Its not sooooo much about the truth of my experience, which does not align to the cultural narrative I’ve been getting sold since I was a lil girl…

Yah - still no.

Its about a guidepost, a lamp, a lighthouse that is pulling me home.

Its about a single line, a possibility, an offering.

Lemme hide nada: it comes from Ernest the Therapist, who is, interestingly, not actually a therapist. Coulda fooled me!

He offered me this one day, as I was swallowing up a session with a lotta ‘....but whyyyyyyyy is it so harddddddd’ -

His offering was oh so simple =>

The only question to be asking if you want to be in a whole-hearted relationship is:

how can we both win here?

Sounds basic. Excruciatingly hard in practice.

Easier questions are:

• How can the sex get better?

• How can I get (more of) what I want?

• How can I ‘fix’ / adjust the other person so they more fit my ideal / my story of who I should be with?

The ‘how can we both win here’ question instead forces a:

• ‘How can i get past whatever defensive layers are activated in order to meet you in a new place’;

• ‘How can i get past my immediate wants + needs in order to see what’s possible here’;

• ‘How can i get into your experience in order to meet you in a new understanding.’

Way harder.

In fact, it feels like my insides are getting stretched, like new dimensions and capabilities and resources and capacities are getting pushed online -

Ones i didnt even know i wanted or needed to activate

Like - didnt order or ask for these - and yet -

here they are.

AND ALSO BUT

I hold I dunno what comes next. All I’ve got is all I’ve really ever asked for: a desire to see more, own more, be in more truth – and to get to walk alongside someone committed to the same.

What. a. Trip.

HOKAY - that’s it for now. Comment below if you’ve got one.