It started with a seemingly outta nowhere, utterly tactless series of notes plug’d into a WhatsApp thread.
Someone in my community had gone to a social event with a friend of his - a person of color - and that friend had commented on how white his - and by proxy my - social group was.
He’d come back to us - a digital representation of that social group - and he wanted us to know we needed to diversify. He even supplied a color chart to guide the way.
I’d created this WhatsApp group in 2021 as a way to build cohesion amongst my friends who’d decided to stay in NYC post-COVID, when it felt like so many had fled to places like Austin.
We loved NYC, and we were here to celebrate that. This WhatsApp group was supposed to be about IRL hangs and inside jokes.
and here this rogue member was - openly challenging us on one of the most inflammatory topics we could possibly take on.
I was - and still am - protective of the group.
So when he drop’d the note - my first reaction was defensiveness.
How dare he.
In my head, it sounded like: he doesn’t know anything about who I hang out with.
And for that matter: what does he know about who the rest of us hang out with?!
And bonus: fuck him for dropping it here, for me to deal with.
This thread was supposed to be about being together and celebrating friendship. Its not about adjudicating the injustices of two hundred years of institutionalized violence and…
Except.
I knew that he was right. Bout the whiteness.
I knew I needed to drop guard, and look inward.
My world had become enclosed, encased by whiteness. I was - and in many ways still am - really afraid of convos about diversity, and racism. So scared, more than anything, of getting it ‘wrong.’
On the thread, I handled it as best I could in the moment - clumsily, with errors.
Then I took a beat, and reflected.
I felt into what was true, and how I wanted to show up moving forward.
I knew I didn’t wanna push, or force. I’d had a community of people from my days working in activism + social justice that I cared for, but had lost touch with once my career and focus shifted.
There was 1 person who I really loved, but had not spoken to in months: my friend Tiq.
Without overthinking it, I sent him a text: “Hi. I love you, and I miss you.”
He responded quickly: “I love you too. Lots has changed. I broke up with my partner. I got sober. And I’m going to church.”
Me, without much overthinking: “I’ll go to church with you.”
I went that Sunday.
I already knew his church: Middle. In my social justice days, Van Jones had been a client, and thru him, the work of the Rev Jacqui Lewis + her church on 2nd Ave had come into my world.
Jacqui’s work has a theme: revolutionary love.
That aligned.
Those initial Sundays I went - I wasn’t treating it with reverence. I’d show up late, fresh off a morning hook up. Or still in workout clothes.
Alas over time - things shifted. There was the Sunday that the choir sang Jonathan Larson’s ‘cages or wings’ - and it felt transcendent.
There was the Sunday that I ran into a gallerist whose space on the LES I used to rent, and met his baby. It felt really good - local, intimate.
There was the Sunday that I first felt comfortable saying, ‘peace be onto you’ to fellow congregants: shaking hands with an grandmother, a young mother, a teenager.
Something clicked early on: I talk about community - but this. is. it.
This is its essence: gathering every week. Singing together. Being moved by the words ringing out, in unison.
A girlfriend once posted on a group thread: “I’m interested in what it looks like, to be ever closer to God.”
That hit.
Cuz me too.
I dont understand God as a figure interpreted to me thru the Bible. I understand God as - very simply - the truth.
If anything: the truth is my religion.
And - in its own way - so is community. I believe we’re more psychologically unwell than ever - cause we’ve gotten very far away from what used to define us: membership. Joining. Consistent attendance. Regular IRL contact. Activities. Collective worship.
Belonging very literally keeps us alive.
Church, historically, has been a source of identity, of belonging, and of resources: outreach to sick members, care for those in most need, a space for every being to play a role.
I understand why we left these spaces - dogma is rigid.
but: we’ve not replaced what we left.
And that’s a problem - bc that we were healthier, and happier - when we were in shared spaces, consistently.
It feels edgy to tell you all this; I feel like I’m the quintessential millennial and as such, I’m betraying the cause by admitting that most Sundays, I’m in an experience that has me reading scripture aloud with 150 other ppl.
And - to be clear - I don’t feel like the Bible and I now have any kinda relationship.
That’s not it.
Its about how good it feels to hug Tiq every week. Its about experiencing Jacqui’s sermons and being in reverence of the power and dynamism she brings; I’m pretty sure reverends and preachers are the OG wellness facilitators. Its about a 90 year old man named Richard remembering my name, and sharing his fave public radio shows w me.
I dunno where it leads. I just know that RN - it feels good.
And perhaps - going back to that catalyzing WhatsApp message - that’s the opportunity in navigating my whiteness and privilege: I go forward with zero answers, an earnest desire to connect in a space that holds us all in grace, and a willingness to be shown.
Hokay - that’s it for now. If this one brings up anything for you, comment below.
What he said, Keep Going, stay curious. In the Bible, God says, “Those who seek me find me.”
As always, I enjoy reading your writing and what you have to share about your life. I’ll be interested to see the comments and the content of those comments as you make this so-called “confession.” As an educated and trained social worker, one of the tenets of social work is critical self-reflection, and I see you doing that here. Something I also endeavor to do.
As I read your writing, I begin to engage in self-reflection and become curious about my own worldview and how I show up in the world. It’s interesting to consider the title of a confession about going to church. I suspect many connotations come with “religion” as well as “church.” I’m with you on the dogma, and I also resonate with the structure in real life and community. It’s so missing from our lives and the data show it. This isn’t simply anecdotal.
As someone interested in the wellness of myself as well as my fellow humans, I believe that whatever works to connect us in a place of kindness and understanding is where we should be. May each of us find these abundant qualities in our lives and support it in others.
Keep going. Stay curious, as I will. I’ll also be mindful not to judge, as you have, and continue to be curious about whatever it is that I am experiencing.